I am Broken – A poem about how my mental illness has affected me. It’s one of the tools I use to explore whats happening inside when I am unable to speak out loud.
I am beaten.
I am broken.
My head is busy.
I search desperately for that
part of my mind that knows truth.
The quiet, gentle, peaceful
part of my mind.
I can’t find it.
Everywhere I look hurts me.
It causes me more physical pain.
Maybe it’s gone.
Could that be possible?
I am very careful where I look.
I don’t want to wander into the pit of unbearableness.
That’s where the fear is at it’s greatest.
It is ruler of all else.
The pit seethes in darkness and hides like earthen mulch all those pains from the past too difficult to look at.
They lay in their earthy graves, not yet dead waiting
for their opportunity, waiting for
you to chance across them.
Then just like the undead, they rear up to consume you, their cold hands securely around your throat, cutting off the air.
No room to breathe.
Fear in all its glory throws it’s head back and laughs it’s gigantic devil laugh.
I don’t want to find the pit today.
Every emotional nerve in my being is on edge.
Just find the quiet place.
Where there is no noise.
The voices in my head know that I am searching.
They get louder and more insistent.
They double their efforts.
I double over in pain.
They won’t give in so easily.
I try to distract them.
Music, mindless noise from the television.
They won’t give in.
I can’t trick them, they won’t be fooled.
They know what they’re doing.
They can feel me tiring.
They can see my fight receding, growing weaker.
This gives them strength.
They grow louder.
And faster, burying that quiet place in my mind.
Burying it so deep I may never find it again.
That is their mission.
I am their enemy.
Destroy the quiet place so I will concede
I will give in.
I will cease to be a threat.
I will cease to be.
From somewhere I hear a sigh. A faint, gentle reassuring sigh.
From somewhere deep in my mind.
I start to follow the sound.
I can’t see it.
I can’t feel it.
But I know it’s there.
For as long as I know that peace exists somewhere in my molten mind, no matter how deep it’s buried,
I won’t give in.
I will fight to find it.
Today they will not kill me.